Why do I want to lose weight? I am obsessed?

Goals are meaningless without reason behind them. Also I read somewhere that setting a goal without actually writing down WHY you want it so badly will make that goal reach a dead end or perhaps, like me, having to repeat it again and again till I maintain the goal.

Yes, I have hypothyroidism and that has caused me weight gain, and yes, I am seeking help for it BUT without having a better overall lifestyle, I will still put myself through agony OF being unhealthy. One or two have mentioned the word obsessed to me. As much as I would like to defend myself, I DO actually talk about weight loss a lot, trying to I mean. Sometimes it's the center of most of my conversations. I will google on how to deal with the weight loss obsession. For now...

So here goes nothing. 

The 10 reasons why I want to lose weight

I feel sluggish, I want to stop having that draggy feeling. It's like I am lethargic, lacking energy and I'm just dragging myself through life.

I fall sick often - mostly mild fevers and flu. I suspect it's because of my unhealthy lifestyle and partial mild depression. Sadness tends to lower your immune system. Being sick slows me down EVEN more. Work is harder to get done and overall feeling of crappy-ness. I believe it will make my hypothyroidism worse! Like I'm stuffing myself with sugar when I'm diabetic (just an eg.)

I can't seem to fit my clothes anymore. Sighs, this one hurts the most. I have clothes from my 75kg days (I looked pretty okay at that weight truth be told, I think because I'm a little tall, the weight spreads out well). I have clothes from my supposed peak weight (83kg), which the past few months I've been wearing. And I had in handy a few super large tops (super large in Malaysian size terms) that I keep for just-in-case large situations. AND EVEN THAT, now I do not fit. Financially, putting on more weight is just not savvy! They say buy clothes that fit you well, but damn - I'm tired of buying new clothes that I grow out of too quick.

Me at 75kg when I was 26 years old

Me when I was 23 years old or so

- pardon the chopsticks

Me right after graduating University, Age 25

Actually I do look pretty young, I mean people say I don't look my age.
(oh, I participated in Free Hugs Day once, the supposed cute face was for fun *giggles*)
I'm such a camwhore!

I am tired of making fun of myself. Okay, I don't know about others, but I suffer from this. I make fun of my own weight BEFORE others point it out. I pretend that it doesn't bother me and that it's funny. Very bad for my self esteem. This just ain't good. It's like belittling myself and beating myself up.

I want to be more confident. No doubt there are very confident plus size women, I've met a few. But inside me is this little person trying to get out. And I'm covered in tires and it's impossible to get out. I feel like I can't breathe having layers upon layers of fat around me. I am a hefty 92 kg now. And the feeling is the worst ever.

I want to not be camera shy. Yes, I'm that girl that only takes head shots. Selfies of the face mostly. The photos of me that unfortunately end up on facebook which cousins or friends take and tag me are horrible. Yes, you might think I'm exaggerating. But seriously, even if I DON'T look horrible, I FEEL it. 

Not that recent of a photo but you get the picture. 

I'm hitting my 30s and I want to stop feeling like crap the past 2-3 years.

I don't want to hide behind hypothyroidism. 

It can't be my excuse. I REALLY need to do something.

The only way to describe how I feel now.

My weight now.

Latest selfy of me. 

I think my face/head might give the impression that I'm more slender that what I really am.

Which is misleading in FB photos.

I want to feel more 'me'. I seriously need to change the way I feel about myself. I think the only way I can get fitter, and feel more 'me' is to just accept, and move on. Beating myself up constantly will just add on more weight. I'm not in denial though, I'm not trying to be or follow movie stars or models thinking that my world would improve dramatically with weight loss and being fitter, I just feel I would start feeling more 'me' and that means the world to me. I want to stop obsessing AND stop with the obesity-ing.

Me, early this year, I would say I was around 83-85kg?

I don't dare take a full body photo of me now at 92kg.

Even then, I thought I looked bad.

I want to give others peace of mind. I tend to bore people with my weight issue. It's what I talk about often. I know that some get pretty annoyed, those that care can go two ways. They can either give me the hard truth (which also makes me sad) or help me feel better telling me to accept myself (which also makes me sad). Basically, I need to motivate my own self and stop bugging people about it. Maybe if I talk about it less, it would matter somewhat less? Gawd! There IS more to life! Why this obsessions. Wake up gurl.... It's just currently a bad weight, not a bad life?

Yes, I need to do more of this!

I want to do awesome yoga poses. Omg have you tried doing yoga with spare tires around your waist and littler traine wheels around your arms? It's really not encouraging. You can't twist well, doing any bandas/locks is generally impossible (mostly due to my thighs). I am flexible BUT not flexible enough to make up for the extra kilos.

Attempted this pose once, but yes, the tires around my waist made it really tough.

Never managed this pose.

I want to be active. I know larger women are also very active. But for me, I want to look good and feel good being active. Now I'm still active (mostly at home at the moment) but I feel like crap. I want to be able to walk into the room, court or field and ACTUALLY look the part. It's nice surprising people that I can do stuff despite my weight, but I kinda want to blend in sometimes. Just not stick out like a sore thumb. I like figure skating as well. I grew up on Michelle Kwan and Sasha Cohen (I blame Singapore Channel 5 - I grew up in JB and my TV picked up on Singapore channels). I can't do much on the ice because of my weight. My knees hurt! Sighs... the excess weight makes my knees and also wrists hurt. I injure myself easily.


Some rather superficial (oh well...)
Aren't we all a little? I mean, seriously?

Thus the journey continues....

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