5 Things I Wish I Knew At 23

Part of the Mindful Makeover is to read up on things that could change the way I perceive things. I made a list of stuff I wish I knew when I was 23 (just about to graduate from university). I think if I knew these 5 things, I'd be less discontented and more accepting of myself.

(1) Happiness isn't some state that we get to eventually. There is only now, it can be found now. Chasing after happiness (when it could be clearly be just in front of me) will make me lose my breathe, or worse, lose hope. 

Most of us were trained from young, especially in Asian countries that we need to work hard for our future, study study study. Get those grades and it will ensure you happiness and wealth in the long run. Zilch. It holds water for some people. 

For me, I just wish I was happy and was studying for ME. I think I got too caught up trying to impress my parents. At the end, I switched majors and took up something I really wanted to do *smiles* as most Asian families prefer, I was supposed to be a doctor not a business graduate!

Also, bad things happen to EVERYONE. Suffering is just part of life. But as many things, it will pass. We shouldn't get to caught up in happy moments as well, they come and go.

(2) Comparisons is definitely a deadly negative thinking sin. It's always, "I wish I was as _______ as ________". If we compare ourselves endlessly with a list of people (and the worse, celebrities) we will always feel horrible and feel bad about ourselves. Some can use this as motivation though, but I wish when I was 23, I knew that there is no point comparing. We were all dealt with different cards. So we play the game differently.

(3) Success isn't for just a small percentage of people. I wish I knew that success could be measured in many ways. For me, I thought it was money and status. The more money you have, the more status you had - the more successful you were. 

In truth - everyone is successful in their own way. Many don't realize this, I didn't realize this at all. I felt like a loser for the longest time not being in a corporate high heeled setting. I'm quite contented being in my stretchy pants, loose tops and slippers. My work environment is just very relaxed, free and easy and zen-ed out. In a certain light, I AM successful. I wish I knew this when I was 23.

(4) Competitiveness makes us greedy, hurtful people. We can hate someone without even knowing them. Success as I've read and found out, can be shared. Working towards a common goal together is waaayyy better. Competitiveness comes from making comparisons. Comparisons to me are fallacies. People are just different. No two are alike. If we were all the same (all with the same characteristics and achievements), we'd be robots!

I need to accept my flaws as just that, flaws. That I'm human. We are all equal. We are all flawed in our own ways. There is no need to compete. The playing field is different for everyone.

(6) Anger is a tricky feeling. Someone could be angry with you or at you, but you could choose how to respond. You could go the high way or pick a fight. To be honest, 'standing up for yourself' is just a ribbon wrapped version of 'reciprocating anger'. Personally I wish I knew this at 23. 

The best was is to let it slide off like teflon! (not my own quote unfortunately, found it online... catchy huh?). If I really wanted to stand up for myself, I'd let so and so cool off, then approach the matter when both of us are more level headed. Sometimes emotions can get in the way of common sense.

Let em' slide

Thank God for teflon!

research : 
http://zenhabits.net

Why do I want to lose weight? I am obsessed?

Goals are meaningless without reason behind them. Also I read somewhere that setting a goal without actually writing down WHY you want it so badly will make that goal reach a dead end or perhaps, like me, having to repeat it again and again till I maintain the goal.

Yes, I have hypothyroidism and that has caused me weight gain, and yes, I am seeking help for it BUT without having a better overall lifestyle, I will still put myself through agony OF being unhealthy. One or two have mentioned the word obsessed to me. As much as I would like to defend myself, I DO actually talk about weight loss a lot, trying to I mean. Sometimes it's the center of most of my conversations. I will google on how to deal with the weight loss obsession. For now...

So here goes nothing. 

The 10 reasons why I want to lose weight

I feel sluggish, I want to stop having that draggy feeling. It's like I am lethargic, lacking energy and I'm just dragging myself through life.

I fall sick often - mostly mild fevers and flu. I suspect it's because of my unhealthy lifestyle and partial mild depression. Sadness tends to lower your immune system. Being sick slows me down EVEN more. Work is harder to get done and overall feeling of crappy-ness. I believe it will make my hypothyroidism worse! Like I'm stuffing myself with sugar when I'm diabetic (just an eg.)

I can't seem to fit my clothes anymore. Sighs, this one hurts the most. I have clothes from my 75kg days (I looked pretty okay at that weight truth be told, I think because I'm a little tall, the weight spreads out well). I have clothes from my supposed peak weight (83kg), which the past few months I've been wearing. And I had in handy a few super large tops (super large in Malaysian size terms) that I keep for just-in-case large situations. AND EVEN THAT, now I do not fit. Financially, putting on more weight is just not savvy! They say buy clothes that fit you well, but damn - I'm tired of buying new clothes that I grow out of too quick.

Me at 75kg when I was 26 years old

Me when I was 23 years old or so

- pardon the chopsticks

Me right after graduating University, Age 25

Actually I do look pretty young, I mean people say I don't look my age.
(oh, I participated in Free Hugs Day once, the supposed cute face was for fun *giggles*)
I'm such a camwhore!

I am tired of making fun of myself. Okay, I don't know about others, but I suffer from this. I make fun of my own weight BEFORE others point it out. I pretend that it doesn't bother me and that it's funny. Very bad for my self esteem. This just ain't good. It's like belittling myself and beating myself up.

I want to be more confident. No doubt there are very confident plus size women, I've met a few. But inside me is this little person trying to get out. And I'm covered in tires and it's impossible to get out. I feel like I can't breathe having layers upon layers of fat around me. I am a hefty 92 kg now. And the feeling is the worst ever.

I want to not be camera shy. Yes, I'm that girl that only takes head shots. Selfies of the face mostly. The photos of me that unfortunately end up on facebook which cousins or friends take and tag me are horrible. Yes, you might think I'm exaggerating. But seriously, even if I DON'T look horrible, I FEEL it. 

Not that recent of a photo but you get the picture. 

I'm hitting my 30s and I want to stop feeling like crap the past 2-3 years.

I don't want to hide behind hypothyroidism. 

It can't be my excuse. I REALLY need to do something.

The only way to describe how I feel now.

My weight now.

Latest selfy of me. 

I think my face/head might give the impression that I'm more slender that what I really am.

Which is misleading in FB photos.

I want to feel more 'me'. I seriously need to change the way I feel about myself. I think the only way I can get fitter, and feel more 'me' is to just accept, and move on. Beating myself up constantly will just add on more weight. I'm not in denial though, I'm not trying to be or follow movie stars or models thinking that my world would improve dramatically with weight loss and being fitter, I just feel I would start feeling more 'me' and that means the world to me. I want to stop obsessing AND stop with the obesity-ing.

Me, early this year, I would say I was around 83-85kg?

I don't dare take a full body photo of me now at 92kg.

Even then, I thought I looked bad.

I want to give others peace of mind. I tend to bore people with my weight issue. It's what I talk about often. I know that some get pretty annoyed, those that care can go two ways. They can either give me the hard truth (which also makes me sad) or help me feel better telling me to accept myself (which also makes me sad). Basically, I need to motivate my own self and stop bugging people about it. Maybe if I talk about it less, it would matter somewhat less? Gawd! There IS more to life! Why this obsessions. Wake up gurl.... It's just currently a bad weight, not a bad life?

Yes, I need to do more of this!

I want to do awesome yoga poses. Omg have you tried doing yoga with spare tires around your waist and littler traine wheels around your arms? It's really not encouraging. You can't twist well, doing any bandas/locks is generally impossible (mostly due to my thighs). I am flexible BUT not flexible enough to make up for the extra kilos.

Attempted this pose once, but yes, the tires around my waist made it really tough.

Never managed this pose.

I want to be active. I know larger women are also very active. But for me, I want to look good and feel good being active. Now I'm still active (mostly at home at the moment) but I feel like crap. I want to be able to walk into the room, court or field and ACTUALLY look the part. It's nice surprising people that I can do stuff despite my weight, but I kinda want to blend in sometimes. Just not stick out like a sore thumb. I like figure skating as well. I grew up on Michelle Kwan and Sasha Cohen (I blame Singapore Channel 5 - I grew up in JB and my TV picked up on Singapore channels). I can't do much on the ice because of my weight. My knees hurt! Sighs... the excess weight makes my knees and also wrists hurt. I injure myself easily.


Some rather superficial (oh well...)
Aren't we all a little? I mean, seriously?

Thus the journey continues....

Go

On

And

Leap

?

Hypothyroidism, say what?

This project is still in progress, not as strict as before though. More free and easy and at my own pace. I guess I figured it out, time constraints give you unnecessary pressure. Not defeated by this though. My hiatus from the program brought about more weight gain and NO change of mindset. Well maybe a bit. As mentioned before, I'm still trying out the 30 day fitness challenge programs and currently doing the 30 day splits challenge.

I must say, it's rather tough. I managed a 2 minute split though today. Felt awesome. Earlier today, I paid a visit to a doctor in TTDI Shah Alam. She's a doctor doctor, a real doctor but she prescribes supplements instead of medicinal drugs. I had to undergo a rather embarrassing physical check up. In short, I had to strip. She checked everything (and I unfortunately, rather uncomfortable mean EVERYTHING).

Name and Location : 

Mediklinik Keluarga & Anda, 

16-18, Jalan Opera G U2/G, 

Taman TTDI JAYA, 

Shah Alam, Selangor, 40150

(Surprisingly posh place for a clinic name Mediklinik Keluarga & Anda)

Just by the physical check up, she said I show signs of hypothyroidism, and from birth in fact. I'm not sure why no one ever mentioned this to me before. But yes, I checked things out, did my research and it looks like she was spot on. She was really nice though, pleasant lady. She has that 'motherly you can talk to me and tell me everything' type personality and aura?

Below are the physical symptoms I have:

• Hyperflex fingers/body - I never noticed this, but my thumb can be bent to touch my wrists
• My dry hair
• The 'dark skin' on my finger joints (not sure what you call them)
• My dark elbows
• Flat feet and dry ankles
• The inward curving lower back - causing my butt to be more prominent
• My inward knees (I have no idea how to describe it, it's just that my knees really do curve in a little, normally, it's supposed to be straight)
• Super thick calves
• and several other physical symptoms I'm too embarrassed to mention (yes, she was incredibly thorough - I felt, well... awkward, but all in the name of health?)

Checked out Spark People as well, and as it turns out, what the doctor mentioned was right. This is what is written under the physical signs of hypothyroidism.

"Unexplained weight gain beyond a few pounds, increased fluid retention and/or puffy face"

(by the way, I do not own these images, found them randomly on google images) Based on this image, I would say I'm the third from the left? Yes, I've put on a lot all of a sudden (will explain why in another post - it's really stupid really... a rather 'duh uh' moment)

Apparently my cortisol levels are also low, my estrogen is in excess amount (I'm build for birthing?) and I'm not taking in enough water. Tomorrow I'll be going back for a extremely detailed blood test. The cost? OMG, basically I'm spending the bulk of my monthly earnings. Am fasting at the moment till I take the blood test. I'm not sure how I am going to get through the night, still not sleeping well and I feel hungry as hell!

Tempted to say "Screw this, I want pancakes!".

May the force be with me?

I'm a horrible 92 kg and 2-3 people from Surya Yoga have mentioned it to me (in a kind, concerned manner). I've been feeling horrible about it, I'm really supposed to get back and do more yoga classes but truth be told, I feel like hiding behind a huge cardboard screen (or maybe mahjong paper)! I've been trying to psyche myself up to go back for more yoga, but at the moment, I'm still rather embarrassed. 

Really silly! I feel that 'fat girl guilt', like all my insecurities and flaws are just out there for everyone to see, possibly how unstable I am. I honest to God need to change my mindset. I hope to go back to Surya Yoga very soon and just say (to myself), "So what? This doesn't define me!" But of course, easier said than done. Such stigma for overweight people - the worse is that we are deemed and labelled as lazy. That we don't care about our health and ourselves.

*Double, triple, quadruple SIGHS*

I would control+C, control+V a photo of me at my current size and mental state, but damn, it's pretty hard. Mostly for my pride (what's left of it).

-Elirus

Failure is Only Feedback in Disguise?

I went gravely off track. My Mindful Makeover didn't pan out the way I wanted it to. I mostly gave up halfway at the lack of results and the general feeling of discontent that nothing seemed to show. I had some other matters I had trouble handling as well. I guess that's one thing to take note off. Most times, plans we make are hard to follow when LIFE gets in the way. Makes sense? At his moment of time, I feel like everything I say seems to sound like an excuse. I feel that horrible.

On the 'body, mind and spirit' note, I think I've learned that yoga (as would anything else in life) takes time. To progress I mean. It really can't be done overnight. Probably not impossible, but for me, it threw me off track a little. Deadlines and things to check off the list. 

Well, this time round, there will still be lists and things to check off, but much less and more spaced out. You'd probably have to follow me for a long time to see any results, both in mind and body in me. But that's the beauty of it? Nothing worthwhile comes quick or easy?

My prouder moments during the 

mindful makeover when I DID stay on the plan

But I decided, life goes on, forgive and forget past mistakes, and I'm here to start fresh and anew. My weight, well, is still probably the same. I think I managed to maintain my weight throughout these few months of being incognito. I have been doing yoga at home (because I went home for the holidays, home as in my parents home, the place i grew up), and I took up a 30 day beach body fitness challenge too! It's really just a plan that they give you online that you can follow. It's like daily exercises you have to do up to day 30.

The one I completed *self pats on back*, the beach body one made me feel great! My rather wobbly thighs are now thighs of thunder. Still large but more toned. I still think I should be doing more cardio and swim a lot. I tried running before, but my knees seem to complain in pain most of the time.

Now, I'm on the 30 Day Splits Challenge and an Iron Arms Challenge? *giggles* its probably not called the Iron Arms Challenge, guess i just like the sound of it.

Below are the challenges I took up. Was really proud of myself that i managed to complete the first one. I never really complete stuff I start, so this meant a lot! It was fairly easy to follow to, that made things more doable and less scary. The plan is pretty good, works on different body muscles every day, there are rest days with less intense workouts too. The instructions are really great.

Check out this website 30dayfitnesschallenges.com

Tons of 30 day challenges to take on.

This is what i've been yabbering about *smiles*

This is what I'm currently trying out.

I found this randomly online too, was thinking of trying 

this out as well this month.

Trying to do two challenges this month.

Since i've been out of the state and couldn't make it for yoga classes at Surya Yoga, I do still continue with my basic simple yoga routine at home daily. I realized that (funny that I was clueless about it but refused to believe it) no matter how much you exercise, you won't lose body mass without the right nutrition. So i've still been keeping up with my juicing, i take it throughout the day and seriously, I think juicing has made me and kept me feeling great and upbeat.

Next week, I start going back to yoga classes at Surya Yoga, after failing the first time, I thought.. oh well, failure is just feedback (perhaps in an ugly wrapped up disguise!). I'm determined to get back on track, or stay on track *smiles*. 

My brief break at home worked out well for me, I feel rejuvenated, ready to get to work and start doing yoga more seriously again. My mindful makeover ain't over yet. It was just put on hold. Stay tuned guys!

Namaste

Elirus

I leave you guys with some pictures I've found 

really personally inspirational.

Oh yes, next I'll be blogging about things I've learned throughout this 

journey so far, the more 'MIND' part of the 'mind and body' change.